1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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