i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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