Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
