You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We left the knife in your bed.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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