Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
