Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
