I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
