cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
