All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Drake has all the answers
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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