as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
