Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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