Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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