If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
