I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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