....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
