Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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