Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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