So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize