i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
