I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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