see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
