Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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