I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
should my penis look like a turkey
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
