My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
