As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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