she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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