went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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