I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
