I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
