My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
