if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He did a backflip because drugs
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