Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
