And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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