Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
