im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
