I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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