I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
