She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
