how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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