yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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