my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
