I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
