I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
