drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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