Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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