We won't sleep together?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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