Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
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