My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
