so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
