Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
