marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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