3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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