Your face is a jimmy john
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize