the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
