i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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