my vag is so smooth its legendary
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
there is glitter all over my balls
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