After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
