Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
