I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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