Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
