woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
