And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
