I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
